Quarantine Hacks: Compassion

My grandfather was widowed over three years ago, and in an effort to stay busy, he began going to the grocery store several times a week. This got him out of the house that carried so many family memories that often left him crushed by his own grief.

In light of COVID-19, Grandpa Ken has struggled to understand his own risk, and the precautions that have been suggested by the CDC. I was able to see him before our statewide quarantine, and talked with him more about family ancestry. Grandpa Ken loves to tell stories about his childhood working on a farm with his brothers and sister. His heart and mind are transported to a simpler time, and a joy spreads over him. 

During this visit, in which we were joined by my nurse cousin Nina, we made grandpa aware of the risks of exposure in places like his church or grocery store. Despite these explanations, he continues to go to the grocery store more than once per week. In this light, my second quarantine hack is:  

Quarantine Hack #2: Compassion over Judgment

This hack may seem like an impossible task for some and a welcome relief for others. With this hack of choosing to extend compassion to my grandpa rather than judgment, I am choosing to treat my grandpa as I would want to be treated. 

This does NOT mean I didn’t judge my grandpa! I certainly had a few moments where I had the thoughts many of you may have had these past few weeks: “Why won’t he listen? Why doesn’t he get it? Doesn’t he know he’s putting himself and others at risk?”

While national and regional mandates are in effect, we all know people continue to make their own choices over whether or not they put themselves or others at risk. So in choosing compassion, here are some benefits: 

1. I am able to take responsibility for myself: If I am faced with the decision of being exposed to someone who is putting themselves at risk, I am able to make decisions that protect myself and potentially others. I can guide my decisions based on what my comfort level is, rather than whether or not I know a person is “compliant.” 

2. I am able to see the humanity in our quarantine: This virus and quarantine is touching upon our basic human needs of trust, security, and mortality. Many of us may want to avoid these feelings and might find it easier to blame others for our natural anxiety during this time. In extending compassion to others, I am able to see that we are all acting out of these basic human needs. This means our decision making is more impaired and I am able to expend compassion to all humans faced with these fundamental issues. 

3. I am able to see “we are all in this together” in a new light: While I admire this message of quarantine as protection for all of us, there will still be people who won’t comply. Therefore, in the light of compassion, I am able to see that even those who may be judged for their actions (me? my grandpa? you?), are in need of compassion and grace. My Grandpa Ken needs my love and togetherness more than ever. With a compassionate heart, I am more readily able to give him love without judgment. 

Please let me know what you think, share, and stay safe and compassionate friends! 

Quarantine Hacks: Fresh Air

A brief (or long) three weeks ago, before COVID-19 sent us to our rooms, I spent the week in Atlanta dog sitting for my sister and brother-in-law. 

Angie and Mike live in the city, so I was taking daily walks with their dogs along with my dog who came along for the ride. I was uncertain how I would feel being in a large city for a week, but I was observant of myself and my body. 

By the time Friday rolled around, I was starting to feel a bit claustrophobic, being in close proximity to so many people. This was not a new sensation, but one I have honed over the years in knowing that my body and mind are connected, and give me helpful clues in how stressed I may be. 

Saturday I found a local forest preserve in the city, and went on a solo hike to be among the trees. Just being around water and trees allowed me to start breathing a bit deeper into my lungs. So now, in the midst of our (near) worldwide quarantine, I will be offering a few hacks that are taken from my own life hacks over the years. None of them will surprise you, but we may be noticing  the ways in which we do (or don’t) care for ourselves in a more glaring light.

Quarantine Hack #1: Get Fresh Air! 

I know many of you around the world are no longer allowed to even go outside. I hope you are able to at least crack a window, have a porch or patio, and can take a few breaths of fresh air several times a day. 

For those of us who are still able to take walks, I would encourage you to get out at least once a day. Preferably 2-3 times a day for at least 20 minutes each. This suggestion is one many healthcare professionals gave me years ago when I was getting my health back on track. Being a psychotherapist I am stuck in a building, sitting with clients hour after hour, many days per week. After I started implementing a few 20-minute walks a day, I began to notice a difference in my overall mood and mindset. 

1. It began to help me see the constancy of nature: even amidst our quarantine and global suffering, nature is still nature. She is changing into spring, and the birds and trees still respond to those changes. 

2. It opened me up creatively: as time went on, being out in nature has no longer been an optional activity. I noticed it opened me up to writing poetry again, and taking amateur photos on my walks. It is my muse and inspiration to create. 

3. It helps set my natural circadian rhythm: I started to focus on walking as close to sunrise and sunset when I could. Even walking at any time, I noticed I no longer rely on an alarm clock. I wake up and am tired for sleep around the same time each day. During a time when our routines are off, this is a great way to keep them similar. 

I hope this post has helped, please comment or send me questions as you have them. I will continue to post one quarantine hack until Friday.

**SPEAKING OF FRIDAYS**
In light of others who are losing their jobs, possibly healthcare coverage, and uncertainty during this time, I am offering “CO-PAY FRIDAY” as a way to give back. If you are uninsured, or don’t have coverage that I accept,  I am offering a handful of 30-minute coaching sessions each Friday for the cost of a copay (minimum $20; donation based). Please send me an email if interested to get on the list. Payment required before appointment is set. 

Being Stuck in Stagnant Waters

Like many people, I love being around large bodies of water. The type of water does matter. While the ocean is my first pick, the main requirement is that the water is always moving. I want to know that things are moving along, in and with the body of water.

In reading Charlotte Joko Beck’s second book, Nothing Special, she uses an analogy of whirlpools and stagnant waters. In our life, we have a tendency to forget that our life began as a part of the rushing river of life. We often will create whirlpools around one area of our lives to avoid pain. Other areas might become stagnant all together due to trauma or grief.

Once we have that whirlpool or stagnant water in our lives for a while, it begins to feel normal. This could equate to physical stagnation of the body, or emotionally creating whirlpools around our grief that we just can’t let go of. Either way, if these states become normal, we often feel stuck. This may be a time when we seek therapy, or try a new meditation routine, or even become physically sick or depressed if the stagnation lingers.

In order to know where we are stagnant, we first have to acknowledge where we may have symptoms of depression, fear or anger. We may also ask if we are comfortable holding on to these feelings, or if we are willing to become uncomfortable in allowing that stagnant water to become part of the river of life.

The truth is, we don’t like fresh air very much. We don’t like fresh water very much. It takes a long time before we can see our defensiveness and manipulation of life in our daily activities. Practice helps us to see these maneuvers more clearly, and such recognition is always unpleasant. Still, it’s essential that we see what we are doing. The longer we practice, the more readily we can recognize our defensive patterns. The process is never easy or painless, however, and those who are hoping to find a quick and easy place of rest should not undertake it.

Charlotte Joko Beck, Nothing Special

So how does a person become unstuck, once they realize they have created some stagnant waters?

1. Any practice of meditation: Time with yourself, with your thoughts, just being present. For first time meditators, I recommend Calm or Headspace.

2. Seek professional guidance: This could be a meditation or yoga teacher, spiritual director, or psychotherapist. Someone who emulates qualities you would like to grow.

3. Trying new things: One of the easiest ways to get unstuck is to challenge yourself with trying something new. If you are feeling extra brave, try that new thing by yourself without bringing a friend!

In becoming more of the flowing river of life, we have to become uncomfortable. These practices are not meant to create more comfort. Simply thinking about moving yourself out of stagnant water is a great first step. If you want to seek guidance and see if my services can help you become unstuck, then schedule your FREE 20-minute consultation with me here.

Inner Work & Secondary Gains

This post is an older one that talks about how our parts can lead to self-sabotage. If you read my post a few weeks ago about Inner conversations, this post speaks to what can happen when we experience a part of ourselves who isn’t as commited to our healing as we are.

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Simply speaking, our behaviors are motivated by emotion, even if they don’t seem that way.  We take action in order to try and get our needs met. When we can’t achieve this in a positive way, we may consciously or unconsciously resort to inferior methods.

Think about a kid who is craving attention.  First they’ll start off all cute and charming, but if that doesn’t work they’ll likely resort to bad behavior.  Sure, getting yelled at as a result doesn’t sound great, but it does meet their original need, however flawed.

Instead of wondering “why” we do something, instead we can try and look at what we’re getting out of it.  That’s what “secondary gain” is all about. This explains why we do things that don’t seemingly make sense, and may in fact violate what we think we want!  We’re getting some benefit from NOT solving our problem. It may end up looking like we’re not committed, “faking it,” or manipulative, but that’s likely not the whole story.

For example, perhaps I have trouble sticking to my workout routine.  In theory I want to work out because I want a healthy lifestyle. I want a healthy lifestyle because I want to feel good in my body.  But knowing that working out can ultimately help me feel good doesn’t mean I always do it.

Let’s unpack that a little - what could I (or anyone) be getting out of not working out?  Maybe it feels indulgent to go home, sit on the sofa, and order takeout - so in a totally different way I do feel comfortable, and like I’m taking care of myself.  Maybe when I skip the gym and go straight home my husband and kid are really excited I’m home early, and give me lots of extra love and attention. Makes me feel pretty good, albeit in a different way.  Thus, there are benefits from NOT reaching my goal, or overcoming my original problem. Some emotional energy keeps me from making changes, and my “bad behavior” gets reinforced.

Now that we know about this phenomenon, how do we address it?  If most of our secondary gains for not losing weight, eating healthy or reaching our goals are unconscious, what do we do?

Most of the time we need identifying our secondary gains.  After a decade as a mental health therapist I started looking at them in a new way when I trained in hypnosis.  From my experience working with clients I noticed two trends. One group of clients was fully ready to commit to a recovery program, and took the steps to actively engage in their own healing, no matter how difficult.  The other was equally committed at the outset, but would have other issues occur over the course of our treatment that would prevent them from moving forward. They’d get sick, identify some reason they couldn’t keep coming, or simply stall out.

At the time I wrongly assumed that many of these clients simply didn’t want to get well.  I figured if they wanted it badly enough then they’d figure out a way to make it work. I no longer think this.  The vast majority of my clients want to get well. Now I understand that in order to help them we need to look at any deep-seated secondary gains that are going to prevent them from pursuing their healing.

Now that’s where I start with my clients.  It is not uncommon to come upon some internal resistance or discomfort when trying something new.  But now, instead of telling them to “hang in there,” we start to identify their resistance. Typically that looks like a lot of critical or negative internal feedback, hearing messages like, “you’re weak,” “you don’t deserve it,” or “you’re a failure.”  Those voices are often pathways to unprocessed trauma or internalized criticism. Once we’ve found that data we can acknowledge and process it, and support the client in moving on.

While we have the best of intentions when we’re working on our health and wellness we tend to get stuck.  If we’re willing to accept that there might be more than meets the eye then we can identify the additional factors at play, dig deeper, and move forward.  For many of us, addressing secondary gains is a great place to start.

Does this sound like you? Would you like more support in knowing how to work with the parts of you who are self-sabotaging your best efforts? Sign up for my meditations, or you can apply to work with me here.

Reflections on Sesshin: A Zen Experience

“Each moment, life as it is, the only teacher”

— Charlotte Joko Beck

I went to stand up, and my right leg collapsed and almost crumpled me to the floor. I realized in that moment, that I would need to pace myself during sesshin , a traditional period of extended meditation and silence in the Zen Buddhist tradition. I chose to embark on this journey at the Prairie Zen Center out of curiosity and at the prompting of a friend who told me about it.

The idea of spending time in silence with others participating in the same activities carries great appeal for this introverted introspective soul. I will not be recommending sesshin, nor will I be prescribing anything from my time. I simply want to highlight a few of my observations as they have percolated over the last week:

1. Riding the Waves: I have a lot of mental activity. Since my inner world is incredibly rich, vibrant, and a place of refuge, to bring myself simply back to the present is hard. My inner chatter wants me to escape, wants to run away, wants to be anywhere but present. I learned to ride the initial waves of fear, terror, anger, judgment, and all manner of ego driven language as I was facing a wall with no stimuli to distract my mind.

2. Being Gracious: Being in community with complete strangers is not a new concept for me. However, being in extended periods of silence with people is new. I saw myself instantly extending grace both to myself and others as we negotiated how to be together. I extended compassion to myself for dropping things, talking when I wasn’t supposed to, or becoming impatient with others.

3. Deep Respect: In observing the teachers and participants, I developed a deep respect for this ancient practice. The simple physical challenge to sit still, no matter what your body position is, for many hours is something to aspire to. The fact that an 82-year-old woman is able to sit in longer than me was both humbling and inspiring.

4. Learning to Laugh at Non-Duality: Buddhism is called ‘the middle way.’ It states that there is no need to go to extremes in thought, feeling, body or deed in order to achieve inner peace. However, practicing non-duality is much harder that it may seem. I found my mind getting confused by the circular non-duality talk of Genmyo, the resident Zen Master. I also found myself smiling and laughing along with everyone at some of the statements, such as this one: “Zazen [sitting meditation] could be the hardest thing, or it can be the easiest thing.” Finding humor in the paradox, learning to play in paradox, is a skill I hope to hone.

5. Basking in Unity: At the end of our time together, we get to speak about our experience in closing remarks. The unity that I felt between myself and the participants and teachers was palpable. We were all there to participate for ourselves, as well as work together toward a common good of bringing peace and to end all suffering. A lofty goal, but I can see how it’s possible given the power of simply meditating in a group for almost three days.

My intention in going to sesshin was to learn how to expand my meditation muscle. What I found was so much more than that: I found the purity of letting go. I found the unity of shared community. I found humbleness and listening to my inner teacher. I found deep joy and appreciation. If you’re interested in learning more about his unique inner experience, send me a message! Or you can find me at the Zendo sitting on most mornings. The silence welcomes you.

Inner Conversations

This weekend I am participating in my first 3-day silent retreat at the Prairie Zen Center  located only a few miles from my home. During my time there, I will be meditating in the Zen Buddhist tradition, one of concentration, awareness and stillness.

During my meditation practice, I will often encounter different voices. I wanted to learn more about these voices, and ended up finding an answer in my trauma training. While working with clients who were processing trauma, many would get stuck and be unable to move forward. We both were aware that this was some kind of unconscious protection mechanism, but were unsure how to make it cooperate. I began to learn more about Ego State Therapy, which has its origins in both psychology and hypnosis.

In doing this work with clients for over five years, I have seen so much growth in my clients. The practice of knowing how to have these inner conversations involves a few steps:

1. In your regular quiet time, begin to create a safe space in your mind: This space can be imaginary or a place you’ve been before. Whatever you choose, let it be a place where you feel safe, calm and at ease. Begin to take in all your sensory awareness: What do you see? What do you hear? What can you touch or sense with your skin? Can you smell or taste anything? Take your time absorbing all that you want.

2. Create a meeting space: This meeting space can be a separate room or alcove within your safe space. This is a space that is designated for you and all your parts to come and communicate. Some clients choose to have a table which signifies a meeting, some have chosen to have an open circle for parts to sit on cushions.

3. Customize the space for each part: You may not know who these parts of yourself are yet, but many clients suspect they are parts that have served a purpose (protector, professor, wife, father), or hold particular memories or feelings (wounded child, rebellious teenager, part that was assaulted). As you become more familiar with all your parts, you can invite them to your space. Give them things that will enhance safety and comfort.

4. Begin to listen and pay attention: Once the invitation has been sent for your parts to come to the meeting space, many of my clients are surprised how the different voices now become more loud and apparent in their life. Many clients will see when their eating disorder part will come out, and have a greater awareness of what is triggering the behavior. Some may have more compassion for their behavior as they now see it as a part that needs attention and healing.

If this concept seems a bit strange, you might be right! Going inside ourselves can be a foreign and scary process if we don’t have a frame of reference. If you haven’t signed up for my meditation tracks, now is the time! I have added an “inner meeting space” meditation for you that details this practice above. It’s yours for free, just simple sign up for my free meditations! As always, if you’re wanting more guidance or a deep dive, you can apply to work with me here.